Morning Musings

Good morning reader, 

I was up at 3am this morning. Two little munchkins snuck their way into my bed, pressing their backs into my body, breathing into my face, flailing their limbs across my chest. Needless to say, I surrendered to the cuddling for an hour or so and finally gave up. I crept down to my studio, lit a candle, sat in meditation and read my tarot cards for the day. 

Despite my grogginess, the outlook for the day is good. My cards tell me it is going to be a creative day, full of love and divine inspiration. I'll take it! And honestly, as my thoughts were swirling around in bed, sandwiched between my kids, I felt the urge to write again. That is the beauty of action. Action begets action, writing begets more writing. Sharing the blog on New Year's Eve inspired me. It inspired a few conversations with friends, it helped me to feel more brave, and it also gave me some permission that I've really needed. 

Over the last 4 years I have been through some very difficult, trying times. Huge life transitions that had me feeling isolated and protective of my privacy, solitude and peace. I had a lot to say, but I didn't feel safe enough to say it. One of my biggest fears in life is judgement and rejection from others. I felt over the last few years that if I expressed what was really going on with me, I would lose too much. I would lose my reputation, friends, respect, and students. Who knows. My fears shut me up for a long time. 

But sharing about my sobriety publicly on December 31st helped me realize something. The only shame and rejection that I am experiencing when I don't share my truth, is my own. My fear is not based on reality, but it is very real. And it has the real power to dim my light, silence my truth, and by doing so, cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit that ultimately wants me to heal and grow and share my experience with others. My fear of rejection and my shame is the only thing holding me back, and like my addiction, it wants me dead. I can't let that part of me win the game anymore. 

I've been writing my whole life. I have shelves and shelves of journals. I've been writing off and on in this blog for 17 years. Telling my story, and relating what I am going through is life-saving for me. And at this point in time, my desire to live and frankly, save my ass, is more important to me than people liking me or thinking that I'm an upright citizen who has it all figured out. I honestly cannot afford to care what people think about me anymore; doing so keeps me small, sick, and full of life-threatening secrets. 

So here I am at the bum crack of dawn, sharing my morning with you. Telling you how tired I am. How scared I am that I started the divorce process yesterday. Sharing that filling out those forms feels demoralizing and so sad. And that I'm doing it sober, and I'm doing it because I love myself and my kids. I want a life for us that is stable and hopeful and creative and full of love and light. That is what I'm going to build. And I'm going to do everything I can to make it happen. 

If it means I have to lose some friends, so be it. If it means you don't respect me anymore, because I'm an ex Pothead, well, frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn. The truth is so much more interesting than the facade. And I may have been looking like a swan on the surface the last few years, but underwater, I was flailing. I've been flailing for too long. Now is my time to rise from the ashes of the first half of my life, take out my pen, and write my way out and into this new chapter. 

In this chapter of my life, I'm going to bravely express myself. I'm going to talk about things that aren't talked about. I'm going to share my life through stories and writing, and I'm going to face whatever objections and judgements come my way, because I'm fucking worth it. We are all worth the life that lives beyond our fears. I may piss some people off along the way. I may hurt some feelings, but I will do my best to be fair, honest, and focus on my side of the street. 

If we are doing life right, we are going to gain a few enemies along the way. We are going to be some people's favorite, other people's Achilles heel, and most people won't even notice we are alive. So why not do what scares us the most? Why not take chances with our art? Why not listen to the brave little voice inside? Why not let people know who we really are? The real ones, the ones who are meant for us, will be with us, no matter what - no matter what. 

Thanks for being with me. Thanks for reading. And thank you for being you. 

I'm excited to keep facing my fears with you as my witness. 

xo

fran

PS. The first thought I had when I pulled The Flame card this morning was the lyric:

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine. Let it Shine!"