My Top Five Reasons to Quit that Thing

 Hello friends,

How are you holding up during this heat wave of hellish nightmares? I hope you are finding ways to care for yourself and your loved ones. I hope you are finding joy in the little things. I hope you are ok.

I wanted to write and check in about something I’m learning and discovering anew in my sobriety journey. Today I have 255 days clean from chronic cannabis addiction. It’s been a wild ride to get here, but I’m really starting to reap the benefits of quitting.

In the beginning of my journey, every day was a struggle. I could barely stand one hour, let alone one day sober. Every cell in my body was craving the drug and the detox literally hurt. I was sweating. I couldn’t sleep. I had horrible nightmares. I couldn’t eat. My brain was in a constant panic. It was a difficult few weeks. But after the initial detox wore off, around Day 30, I started to feel better.

And now, 8.5 months later, I wanted to testify to all of you, that my life is better than it has been in YEARS. So this is a little blog post to promote quitting the thing that is holding you hostage. The thing that you think you cannot live without. The thing that controls your every movement - that calls to you throughout the day - that runs your mind into the ground - the thing you chase, grasp onto, and worship. I wonder what that thing is for you?

For me, for 5 years, it was weed. And I truly believed I could not live without it. I believed that it made me more creative, more confident, more tolerable, more peaceful, sexier, kinder, funnier, more prolific, more spiritual, more sane. The list goes on. I transferred magical principles to the drug and then held onto that powerful fix for far too long. It took me all the way down into depths of despair.

Addiction will always do that. There is no other way for it to go. So if you haven’t reached your bottom yet, in the program we say, just keep digging. You will get there.

And I pray you don’t have to reach as low as I did.

But the reason I wanted to write today is to share all the things that I have gained from quitting weed. All the reasons to quit smoking that herb. A friend shared this list with me: 100 reasons to Quit Smoking Weed and I wanted to write my own list. For me and for you. So that I can return to this post when I’m feeling forgetful, when I’m craving that high, when I’m feeling like giving up - and remember what I gained by quitting.

That is the miracle of recovery. By surrendering, by giving up the one thing you value most in your life, you gain the whole world. One day at a time.

My TOP FIVE REASONS TO QUIT CANNABIS and stay quit, or What I have gained since quitting:

1. Falling in love with myself again. When I am in active addiction, I hate myself. I am actively seeking a way to abandon myself at every hour of the day. It may not feel like that at the time. But by reaching for that addictive hit, I am saying to my soul, I reject you and your innate being. I want to experience this heightened version of life, more than I want to experience you. You, Fran, are not enough. It takes it’s toll. Showing up for yourself sober everyday, slowly builds self-esteem, and then authenticity and then self-love. It is saying to yourself, I love you, and I won’t abandon you. And as one of my favorite sober ICONS, Ru Paul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else? Can I get an Amen?”

2. True Self-Care. One of the blissful and damaging consequences of being a pothead is just not giving a shit. It’s that laissez-faire attitude that you think makes you cool and easy-going. But long term addiction to pot creates a cypher of self-neglect. You can neglect your physical health, your relationships, your home, your career, your kids, and most importantly yourself. These last 8 month have been about turning towards myself again and saying “how can I care for you?” Do you need to go to the doctor? The dentist? The therapist? Do you need to take a walk? Do you need medication? Do you need sunshine? Do you need a hug or a friend? Bit by bit, I am learning how to take care of my body, rather than harm it day in and day out. It is a life-affirming and beautiful experience. And my teeth have never been whiter! And my lungs have never been happier! Amen for self-care.

3. True intimacy. When I was in active addiction, I was really hurting. I was battling feelings of grief, sorrow, heartbreak, disillusionment, and fear. Life on life’s terms seemed to be too much for me. So weed gave me that assist to take the edge off of what I was experiencing, to make it all a little more tolerable. But what it also did was create a smoke-screen between me and my loved ones. It was like I was wearing a mask, or hiding behind the high at all times. I can only imagine how painful it must have been for my kids, my family, my friends and my partner to try connect with me, when they could feel that I was hiding behind my high. My mother would sometimes mention that it seemed there was no light in my eyes, it had dimmed so much, because I was hiding so deeply within. I was letting the drug speak for me and live fore me. But now, I am experiencing a level of presence, love and intimacy with my loved ones that is truly life-affirming. Yes, it is scary to stick with uncomfortable truths and feelings. Yes, anger and grief suck. But I’m learning that they won’t kill me when welcome them in without fear. And actually what kills me is the numbing effect of drugs. It robs me of my life, minute by minute until I am a shell of a human. By feeling it all with the people in my life, I am discovering a level of intimacy that makes me feel safe and loved. I no longer feel the need to run from true intimacy.

4. True laughter. When I tell you that my kids and I are laughing more than ever, I really wish I could show you the reels. The squealing. The hilarious songs we are making up. The games we are falling into naturally. The funny voices. The dancing. The delight we are finding in each other. It’s absolutely EVERYTHING to me. Weed took that from me. I felt I couldn’t be a fun mom without a little THC in me. I stayed high and let other people make my kids happy, believing that I was just not capable of true joy. I would hold onto my weed like it was the elixir that made me giggle, the magic ingredient of my humor. As if weed could make me laugh more than the sheer joy of being with my brilliant, hilarious children. Fuck that. Give me true belly laughter over the weed giggles ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. I’m so grateful to have rediscovered my true silly self, my funny bone, and my fun mom.

5. Clarity of mind and purpose. This is a big one. And it’s a bit more subtle at first, but it grows slowly and surely over time. When I was high all the time, I was very confused about reality. My ideas were plenty. My schemes ran wild in my brain. I was always on some sort of tangent, daydream or obsessive fixation that took me out of the clear, crisp reality of the moment. (PS. Undiagnosed ADHD and Weed addiction are a TOXIC combo.) Even my ability to enjoy simple moments and pleasures was clouded with psychedelic symbolism and grandiosity. I would have a random idea and think it was the next greatest thing that would change the world. I had no sense of discernment or practicality in my decision making because my internal arrow was always pointed at the highest point - wherever the drug was leading me. When your internal compass is so distracted by addiciton, it’s almost impossible to feel confident about the direction you are heading in. It feels like a whirlwind. I got married in a whirlwind. I started businesses and took on whole new identites in a foggy cloud of marijuana smoke. Today, I have the blessed, sacred clarity of mind and purpose that I lost to weed. I wake up and I know who I am, what I am doing for the day, and what is most important to me. My values are in line. My goals are to stay sober one day at a time, help others, trust my higher power, engage life with creativity and curisity and love myself and my loved ones the best I can. This experience of living a clean life is crisp, steady, sturdy and something I know in my heart I can build a beautiful future upon. It will not blow away in the wind, like my life did before. It is one of the greatest gifts of sobriety.

So there you have it. My Top Five Reasons to Quit Cannabis.

I hope this list can reach at least one person who is struggling. Quitting is possible, and it’s oh so worth it. If you are hurting and you need help, feel free to reach out to me. Or check out the 12 step program MADE for addicts like you. It has saved my life.

And when you forget how bad it was, allow this post to remind you.

In closing, here is a recording of a song I wrote early in my first sobriety journey, (I relapsed after 11 years) 14 years ago.

Constant Forgetting - by me, Fran Betlyon.