Out with 2024, In with 2025

 

The sun is going down on 2024. It feels like a little death. Yes. I lost a lot this year. I feel grief today as I say goodbye to the version of my life I believed in this time last year. I was about to be engaged to my girlfriend. I had a lot of hope and vision for the future, with her. I was sure of just a few things in life, and one of those was how much I loved her. I was sure I wanted to raise my kids with her and drive off into the sunset as one big happy family. I had attached all my dreams to that good old American Dream yet again, only this time in queer form. 

And yet as the sun sets on this year, we have already been married and separated for 3 months. By the time 2025 is barely ripening, we will be divorced. No. This year doesn't look like anything I imagined it would. I made a lot of plans, I shot for the moon, I dreamed big, I loved big - and I lost. 

I lost a version of myself that I thought I was meant to be. I thought I was meant to be her wife.  I lost the interior painting and design business we created together, Lotus Paint and Design. I thought I was meant to be an artsy stoner, aging like a fine bud, like Willie Nelson. I lost that version of myself too. I'm 80 days sober today, freed from weed.  Most importantly, I lost what was really my first queer love relationship. It broke my heart all the way open.

I'm happy to say goodbye to these things that clearly were not meant for me, although it is bittersweet, although I'm hurting. Even though I cry just a little bit most days, I'm still sure that something more powerful than I am had a different plan for me. I'm still sure that even when we loose love and direction and people we care about, when we crack open, the light comes in. God somehow shines directly into our heart and heals us. 

When we make our plans, we shoot our big shot, and nothing works out, we are left floating through air in this divine surrender. What happened to me is that I lost my will to control my life any longer - with plans and schemes, manipulation, love and most importantly, drugs. I had to let go of the reigns and let the God of my understanding take this life on for me. Thank God there was a support group to help. 

I'm really grateful there was a 12 step program made for people like me who struggle with marijuana addiction. It has truly saved my life. I let go of controlling my every waking hour with substance abuse, and when I did, I was held by a loving online group of people just like me who knew a way out. They showed me how to stay sober one day at a time. I slowly remembered that I can do this. I lived clean and sober for 11 years once, I can do it again.

The people of Marijuana Anonymous have loved me and listened and showed me a way out. They reminded me who I really am and told me I didn't need to be ashamed. Addiction holds such stigma in our society, that when you are suffering from it, the shame is so strong that it threatens your life. It makes it so much harder to ask for help. Sometimes the only way out seems a lot darker than recovery. Pride can also keep you from going back to the rooms after a relapse. I was prideful. Until I wasn't anymore. 

What happened to me is that when I lost my wife, I didn't really have any pride any longer. I was saved by having what they call a "low bottom." I knew I had a problem, and I knew I needed help. In recovery we call that the "gift of desperation." 

I'm going to take that as my gift from 2024, the gift of desperation. The gift of HAVING NO CHOICE but surrender. Because when I was able to make it to my knees and call out in despair and yell out to God, Help me! Please God Help me! 

The miracle happened. God answered. Help was right there at my door. And even when the person who I thought loved me most in my life couldn't love me anymore and would not stay with me through my recovery, there were perfect strangers there who would love me, who already loved me before they even knew me. They were my angels of recovery. They saved me from the brink and helped me see that my soul is the one thing addiction can't ever take from me. 

My soul was intact. Yes, even when I was hiding from my grief and my life and all the loss that I didn't want to face, even when you may have looked in my eyes and not seen me there, I was there. My soul was there, just waiting for the miracle. Just waiting for the moment when it would be safe to come out again. 

I'm so grateful to find that my soul is safe here in my body tonight as I watch the sun go down on 2024. I'm healing slowly and beautifully. My therapist told me that I should lean into my impatience. Watch it and let it be, because it is a sign of my growth. Healing doesn't happen overnight, and recovering from two divorces in a few years and the loss of my father is not going to be easy. But I'm sticking with myself this time. I'm not running away from the pain, or looking for an easy fix. 

In 2025 I'm committed to staying here in my body. Loving myself through my pain. Showing up for my recovery and for my kids, as a sober mom. I'm committed to healing my broken heart, and holding my pain with patience and compassion. I'm committed to showing up for other addicts and friends who are suffering, just like strangers, close friends and family showed up for me. 

2025 may not be bombastic. It may not be about shooting the moon or "falling" in love. It may not be about big plans, album releases and huge life changes. But I'm ok with that. Some years it's time to rest, restore, and rebuild. That is what I will be doing this year, with the help of my higher power, my program, and my friends and family. Because if I learned anything this year, it's that even in your darkest hour, you are never, ever alone. 

My friend Gary told me that "the wound is the gift." It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's true. My wound is my gift, and I will tend to it, dress it, make sure it is clean and cared for. And soon, I'm not sure when, but someday, I will be able to transform that wound into art. 

Because that is what I do. 

Thank you for being with me on the journey. Wishing you growth, love and light this year. We are all in this together.