It's a Wonderful Queer Life: how I imagined my way out of hetero-divorce!

 Hey team, 

I've written a lot of blogs this year. I haven't published many at all. I guess my writing has been my private lifeline. It has kept me vibrant and alive through some pretty harrowing shit. Relate much? 

I'm ready to start publishing my thoughts. It's time. I'm realizing that my life experience is my art. It is artfully made and curated and enjoyed and struggled through. I want to share this process with my readers. YOU. I want to share what I am discovering as I navigate through my artistic process of creating a LIFE. I think I'm pretty good at it. Even though it's messy sometimes. 

So here goes. Today is the last day I will have by myself in my home. I moved here on my own with my two kids in July of 2020, without my partner. My kids and Ex are at her house right now. I'm in solitude with my cat, relishing in the quietude. Tomorrow the kids come home (as usual) and Roxy moves in too.(She sold her house.) We have decided to co-parent in the same home again and create a rainbow life for our children and ourselves. Together. 

We have imagined a wonderful life where two queer parents can grow and evolve AND support each other AND raise our kids. As friends. And not go broke. In America. 

Will there be pitfalls? HAHA. I've been around longer than a day, people. 

 Yes, we know this is a flawed plan.  But when you do not fit society's binary structure, there is no perfect plan to follow that was made for you.  The overgrowth of your path has never really been cleared away, so you can't see the destination. So you try different paths that are easier. It's like growing up a runner and never finding a pair of shoes that actually fit. Someday you have to make your own. So you can fly. 

Yes, friends, even in 2021 adults live a secret lives in the shadows and a totally different life on the outside. We present as the world wants us to be. We follow the rules, and because of our privilege, some of us can hide in plain sight. Closeted queers in all cultures live in hetero marriages, have kids, and are slowly suffering in silence everyday. They are surviving, barely thriving, and sometimes they don't make it. Most of the times, they just fucking find a way to get by. 

I was in a marriage with a dear friend and we were slowly watching each other wither away in the closet as we had our children. For five years.

I came out to my "husband"(at the time) about 3 years ago. It was the summertime. I told him I was bisexual and had fallen for a woman. Someone I was friends with. He told me, with a sigh of relief  it seemed, that he was gender non-conforming and had been wanting to tell me and start presenting more femme. We were giddy in our adolescent "come-outtance," although surprised and scared! We started laughing and dreaming about going to clubs and doing drag and living our queerest, baby queer lives while our 2 year old would be with the sitter or my mom! We came ALIVE in our outness! It's like we were FINALLY seeing each other! Two queers in white/straight/suburban MA living the white-picket-fence dream screamed our way out of the closet! So we ran upstairs and celebrated on our cold bed. Like kids!

........

Two weeks later, I discovered I was pregnant. Ha! We make gay plans and God laughs. We had our incredible fiary daughter, Genevieve. 

1 and a half years later, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. She told me she was trans and would finally transition now. We were setting each other free. To evolve. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . 

Tomorrow we are coming back together as a team!  Except this time, we make the rules, we love the kids, we love each other (as rainbow parents and friends do), we do what needs to be done no matter what. 

The "no-matter-whatness" of family has always been really important to me as a Leo. Loyalty. I am very loyal to my clan. I went through very traumatic divorce events in my childhood and I saw how much divorce shattered us. For a very long time. We still feel the echos of those choices and events in our lives 30 years later! 

So discovering that my marriage was over and that I had children was literally facing the biggest nightmare of my life. What now? I have become "the monster!" I am creating the exact scenario that as a child I HATED with a firey passion. 

But I also knew that if I didn't face the fear. If I didn't leave the marriage. WE wouldn't make it as a family. The family is not just the kids. The kids are not healthier because the parents sacrifice their lives for them. The kids thrive when the parents thrive. I knew we had to get in a new situation. 

We did. Things changed. Big time. During the Pandemic. 

I just kept imagining and envisioning a different kind of life. 

I had NO FUCKING IDEA we would end up here. 

Back in the same house. She will be staying home with the kids as she continues to transition daily. We will all be safe and secure. I will be working. Writing. And creating the career I have always wanted. Symbiosis. Balance. Love. Loyalty. La familia! 

Everything had to topple first. 

When one door shuts, another opens. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

I use magick to create doors in my life. Doors and keys. Opportunities and healing spells. 

If I feel stuck in a room - like a soul's purgatory - I look for a door. If there isn't one, I imagine one. Then I create a key. I enchant a key. I open the door. And I am free. 

This winter, when I was holed up in Maine on the coast alone, staring at the waves under the full moon, I did a spell to defeat divorce. I decided that Divorce with a capital D had no power over me anymore. It was simply a concept created by a culture that did not even recognize who my own partner was! A culture that was hesitant to even acknowledge our humanity, let alone our marriage. Divorce has no power over me or her - just like marriage has no power either. It is all just ether. WE decide what we want our lives to look like. Roxy and I have empowered ourselves to create something new and disempowered the structures that wanted to rob our Queer family of stability and joy. 

We imagined the door and key. 

We imagined the way out and then imagined the way through and then imagined the world we wanted to live in. That is what survivors do. 

This is what I learned this year and what I want to leave with you:

You can be yourself and be loved. 

You can be yourself and be loved. 

You are yourself. 

And you are loved. 

Be brave. 

Take back the power from what you fear most. 

You can conquer it. 

It only lives inside your head. 

Observe the observer of fear.

THAT is the voice of the soul's wisdom. 

Listen, imagine and create from that place.