The "Body Positive" Pregnancy: Does it exist?
Hello readers,
Hello from 9:00pm on a Thursday, aka, my bedtime. I'm 29 weeks pregnant with my second child, which means I am a walking zombie with heartburn. I'm about to take my Zantac, read my book, and fall into a restless sleep which will consist of about 8 trips to the bathroom and at least 4 psychedelic, acid trip dreams that make me question my life choices.
But before I commence with my bedtime routine, I wanted to put some thoughts down on paper about my experience so far with pregnancy. I have talked about this in multiple conversations with friends, my mother, or on Instagram stories, but I think it deserves a bit more attention.
Being a mother is a magical thing. It's the thing everyone seems to talk about with lots of humor, pointing out the crazy #momlife we all live, and how you never sleep again. But in my experience, being a mom to a child (past 3 months old, because that time is sheer hell) is awesome. It's challenging, but also allows one to experience a level of joy and unconditional love that rocks your entire perspective on life, the universe and yourself. It's what having a baby is all about.
Pregnancy on the other hand...is not a magical experience. For me. Pregnancy is more than a pain in the ass, groin, pelvic floor, head, boobs and mind. Pregnancy alters your entire body's chemistry and fucks with your brain, your hormones, your skin, your appetite, and can even be life threatening. Yes, my friends, the magical time of "expecting" is actually very, very hard for some of us, and I am one of those people.
Here are a few examples to prove my point that pregnancy is not a magical, beautiful, romantic or fun experience. It sucks, and here's why:
Exhibit A. My underwear. Right now I'm currently wondering whether I should change into a new pair because I laughed several times in the last 30 minutes and with each giggle, a little stream of pee was released. But dear reader, this will be my third time changing my underwear in one day. Because when I woke up this morning, I was nauseous and puked and every time I puke, I pee. So therefore, I HAVE NO CLEAN UNDERWEAR. Or better put, I have no clean underwear that FIT me, because my thongs and underwear from days when I wanted to be seen naked, feel like the devil's noose around my butt. I need full coverage. And for some reason, I can't seem to buy enough underwear to cope with the amount of spillage. This is gross, I know.
"No one wants to hear about your stinky underpants, Fran!"
But the reason I am writing about them, is because NO ONE PREPARED ME FOR THIS SHIT. So consider yourself prepared, young ingenue, dreaming of motherhood. You're gonna pee your pants a lot, and you might even SMELL like pee sometimes. You're welcome.
Exhibit B. The puking. "Oh, everyone gets morning sickness in the first trimester!" We have all heard that little chestnut of a vicious lie. But has anyone ever told you that you might puke every day of your pregnancy? Or that you might have to pull your car over onto the shoulder and puke in the middle of the day with a toddler in the backseat and watch judgmental bitches drive by and shake their heads at you, because they think you're hungover, because they HAVE NEVER BEEN PREGNANT? Also, you peed yourself when that happened. Yes, I am one of the lucky ones who seems to have some sort of reaction to hormones and pregnancy that it makes me physically sick to my stomach. No one ever told me this might happen, so I just want to put it out there. When you are romanticizing your 9 months of glowing expectancy, picture me, huge and dripping wet, sobbing into my husband's chest after a shower at 11:30pm at night because I puked and peed all over the bathroom floor while my mother-in-law was in the other room. How romantic. But yes, I am lucky to have a partner who loves me regardless of what liquid is coming out of my body. I however, have not learned how to love myself mid-puke. Let me know if you have figured out that jedi trick.
Exhibit C. Skin. Don't you love those little pregnancy articles about Vitamin E lotion and rubbing it on your belly at night and this way you won't get those pesky stretch marks? Nope, we don't love those, because they are a lie. You WILL get those stretch marks, regardless of what snake oil juice you put on your belly. But that is sort of a well known symptom. What you may not know is that you could get a myriad of other delightful skin adjustments, like acne, varicose veins, or my my favorite, SKIN TAGS. Yep! If puking and peeing weren't enough, I've got skin tags growing in the grossest of places. On my neck, on my back, under my boobs and in my crotch. What the effing whore of Satan is this? I also know from my last pregnancy, that when you go to the dermatologist to see if you can get these things removed, it's not covered by insurance and will cost you $100 per tag. YAY! Because having a baby isn't expensive enough, and I'm not worried about ten zillion other effects this pregnancy has had on my worn out body. Thanks, God.
Exhibit D. The obsession with weight. Not mine, but everyone else's. If you have ever been pregnant, then you have had conversations with other moms that went like this:
"Oh man, I gained like 30 pounds when I had Samuel! It was insane! It took me forever to lose the weight."
"Weird, I only gained like 10 with Lisa."
"I actually LOST weight when I was pregnant and looked more beautiful than ever when it was over!"
Why has every single pregnant woman been a part of a conversation like this? Because the world, our doctors, our mothers, our friends, our men and everyone else is so God Damned obsessed with the idea of women gaining weight. Women gaining weight is such a cultural no-no that it is even seen as a bad thing when you are carrying a CHILD AND FEEDING IT WITH YOUR OWN DAMN BODY.
You do not know how many articles I have read or apps I have looked at that mention how to "control your weight gain" during pregnancy. Or how to "get your body back" after you have the baby. As mothers, our most important goal during the incubation of our child, is to watch what we eat, and make sure we don't put on any lbs.
Why?
Because we don't want to make other people uncomfortable.
Seriously, that's the only good reason I can come up with. People do no like seeing women put on weight. It makes them squirm. Weight gain is congruent with sickness. So if you gain weight, you must be sick. So if you are pregnant and you gain weight, you are sick, right? WRONG.
The main reason we do not like pregnant women to put on too much weight is because it could ruin their attractiveness and appeal as a sex object. So as a pregnant woman, it is your duty to remain presentable, and in your rightful place as a societal decoration. Do we live in effing 1800?
Of course, there are serious things that can happen to women during pregnancy that are weight and diet related, like diabetes and preeclampsia. Yes, these risks are real and scary. But I'm pretty sure that dieting or obsessing about your weight during pregnancy is not going to stop those things from happening, and may actually negatively effect your mental health, physical health, and therefore, your baby's health.
This time around, I chose not to know how much weight I have gained. When I go to the doctor and they put me on the scale, I turn and face the opposite way. They just write the number down and don't mention a DAMN thing because it's not important. My blood pressure is perfect, I do not have diabetes, and my baby is healthy.I eat when I'm hungry, and I eat what I want. And yes, I have gained weight.
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So why am I writing this blog? I would like to love and respect and celebrate my body. I believe that this is something women in our culture have to work hard at. We are not taught to respect, revere, and love our bodies. So it is no surprise that when our bodies change from a sex object into a mother carrying a child, it is a HUGE challenge, mentally and physically. How do we value our bodies when our bodies are no longer symbols of attraction and sex, but are symbols of motherhood, with all it's milk and pee and puke and blood? Where is the body positive guide to pregnancy? Where is the book that helps us learn how to love the stretch marks, embrace the skin tags, find a way to cope with the puking and peeing and acne and hormonal shifts? Where are the maternal public figures who represent what motherhood really looks like? All we see are celebrities who "get their body back" in two weeks, and never share any of the struggle.
I need to get real about the struggle. Because not only do I LOVE BEING A MOM, but I also HATE BEING PREGNANT, and I need to talk about how the two realities can exist at the same time. I also need to figure out how to come out of this hell journey and rekindle a love for my NEW BODY. I am not interested in getting my old body back. Because that body represented a woman that didn't know anything about what it's like to feel your baby kick you from the inside, and know in your heart what she is saying. There is something spiritual that changes in us, and we can never fully go back to our old selves.
So how do we become our new selves. How do we celebrate it? How do we learn to love our mom bods?
Is there a modest way to do this that doesn't involve stripping off our clothes and showing our stretched out tummies to the world on Instagram? Honestly, I'm not interested in that! I'm interested in the internal journey. I would like to find a way to love this body of mine during the last few months of my pregnancy and beyond.
Stay tuned for more thoughts from the trenches.
Hello from 9:00pm on a Thursday, aka, my bedtime. I'm 29 weeks pregnant with my second child, which means I am a walking zombie with heartburn. I'm about to take my Zantac, read my book, and fall into a restless sleep which will consist of about 8 trips to the bathroom and at least 4 psychedelic, acid trip dreams that make me question my life choices.
But before I commence with my bedtime routine, I wanted to put some thoughts down on paper about my experience so far with pregnancy. I have talked about this in multiple conversations with friends, my mother, or on Instagram stories, but I think it deserves a bit more attention.
Being a mother is a magical thing. It's the thing everyone seems to talk about with lots of humor, pointing out the crazy #momlife we all live, and how you never sleep again. But in my experience, being a mom to a child (past 3 months old, because that time is sheer hell) is awesome. It's challenging, but also allows one to experience a level of joy and unconditional love that rocks your entire perspective on life, the universe and yourself. It's what having a baby is all about.
 |
| My husband and I with our son his 2nd birthday |
Pregnancy on the other hand...is not a magical experience. For me. Pregnancy is more than a pain in the ass, groin, pelvic floor, head, boobs and mind. Pregnancy alters your entire body's chemistry and fucks with your brain, your hormones, your skin, your appetite, and can even be life threatening. Yes, my friends, the magical time of "expecting" is actually very, very hard for some of us, and I am one of those people.
Here are a few examples to prove my point that pregnancy is not a magical, beautiful, romantic or fun experience. It sucks, and here's why:
Exhibit A. My underwear. Right now I'm currently wondering whether I should change into a new pair because I laughed several times in the last 30 minutes and with each giggle, a little stream of pee was released. But dear reader, this will be my third time changing my underwear in one day. Because when I woke up this morning, I was nauseous and puked and every time I puke, I pee. So therefore, I HAVE NO CLEAN UNDERWEAR. Or better put, I have no clean underwear that FIT me, because my thongs and underwear from days when I wanted to be seen naked, feel like the devil's noose around my butt. I need full coverage. And for some reason, I can't seem to buy enough underwear to cope with the amount of spillage. This is gross, I know.
"No one wants to hear about your stinky underpants, Fran!"
But the reason I am writing about them, is because NO ONE PREPARED ME FOR THIS SHIT. So consider yourself prepared, young ingenue, dreaming of motherhood. You're gonna pee your pants a lot, and you might even SMELL like pee sometimes. You're welcome.
Exhibit B. The puking. "Oh, everyone gets morning sickness in the first trimester!" We have all heard that little chestnut of a vicious lie. But has anyone ever told you that you might puke every day of your pregnancy? Or that you might have to pull your car over onto the shoulder and puke in the middle of the day with a toddler in the backseat and watch judgmental bitches drive by and shake their heads at you, because they think you're hungover, because they HAVE NEVER BEEN PREGNANT? Also, you peed yourself when that happened. Yes, I am one of the lucky ones who seems to have some sort of reaction to hormones and pregnancy that it makes me physically sick to my stomach. No one ever told me this might happen, so I just want to put it out there. When you are romanticizing your 9 months of glowing expectancy, picture me, huge and dripping wet, sobbing into my husband's chest after a shower at 11:30pm at night because I puked and peed all over the bathroom floor while my mother-in-law was in the other room. How romantic. But yes, I am lucky to have a partner who loves me regardless of what liquid is coming out of my body. I however, have not learned how to love myself mid-puke. Let me know if you have figured out that jedi trick.
Exhibit C. Skin. Don't you love those little pregnancy articles about Vitamin E lotion and rubbing it on your belly at night and this way you won't get those pesky stretch marks? Nope, we don't love those, because they are a lie. You WILL get those stretch marks, regardless of what snake oil juice you put on your belly. But that is sort of a well known symptom. What you may not know is that you could get a myriad of other delightful skin adjustments, like acne, varicose veins, or my my favorite, SKIN TAGS. Yep! If puking and peeing weren't enough, I've got skin tags growing in the grossest of places. On my neck, on my back, under my boobs and in my crotch. What the effing whore of Satan is this? I also know from my last pregnancy, that when you go to the dermatologist to see if you can get these things removed, it's not covered by insurance and will cost you $100 per tag. YAY! Because having a baby isn't expensive enough, and I'm not worried about ten zillion other effects this pregnancy has had on my worn out body. Thanks, God.
Exhibit D. The obsession with weight. Not mine, but everyone else's. If you have ever been pregnant, then you have had conversations with other moms that went like this:
"Oh man, I gained like 30 pounds when I had Samuel! It was insane! It took me forever to lose the weight."
"Weird, I only gained like 10 with Lisa."
"I actually LOST weight when I was pregnant and looked more beautiful than ever when it was over!"
Why has every single pregnant woman been a part of a conversation like this? Because the world, our doctors, our mothers, our friends, our men and everyone else is so God Damned obsessed with the idea of women gaining weight. Women gaining weight is such a cultural no-no that it is even seen as a bad thing when you are carrying a CHILD AND FEEDING IT WITH YOUR OWN DAMN BODY.
You do not know how many articles I have read or apps I have looked at that mention how to "control your weight gain" during pregnancy. Or how to "get your body back" after you have the baby. As mothers, our most important goal during the incubation of our child, is to watch what we eat, and make sure we don't put on any lbs.
Why?
Because we don't want to make other people uncomfortable.
Seriously, that's the only good reason I can come up with. People do no like seeing women put on weight. It makes them squirm. Weight gain is congruent with sickness. So if you gain weight, you must be sick. So if you are pregnant and you gain weight, you are sick, right? WRONG.
The main reason we do not like pregnant women to put on too much weight is because it could ruin their attractiveness and appeal as a sex object. So as a pregnant woman, it is your duty to remain presentable, and in your rightful place as a societal decoration. Do we live in effing 1800?
Of course, there are serious things that can happen to women during pregnancy that are weight and diet related, like diabetes and preeclampsia. Yes, these risks are real and scary. But I'm pretty sure that dieting or obsessing about your weight during pregnancy is not going to stop those things from happening, and may actually negatively effect your mental health, physical health, and therefore, your baby's health.
This time around, I chose not to know how much weight I have gained. When I go to the doctor and they put me on the scale, I turn and face the opposite way. They just write the number down and don't mention a DAMN thing because it's not important. My blood pressure is perfect, I do not have diabetes, and my baby is healthy.I eat when I'm hungry, and I eat what I want. And yes, I have gained weight.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So why am I writing this blog? I would like to love and respect and celebrate my body. I believe that this is something women in our culture have to work hard at. We are not taught to respect, revere, and love our bodies. So it is no surprise that when our bodies change from a sex object into a mother carrying a child, it is a HUGE challenge, mentally and physically. How do we value our bodies when our bodies are no longer symbols of attraction and sex, but are symbols of motherhood, with all it's milk and pee and puke and blood? Where is the body positive guide to pregnancy? Where is the book that helps us learn how to love the stretch marks, embrace the skin tags, find a way to cope with the puking and peeing and acne and hormonal shifts? Where are the maternal public figures who represent what motherhood really looks like? All we see are celebrities who "get their body back" in two weeks, and never share any of the struggle.
I need to get real about the struggle. Because not only do I LOVE BEING A MOM, but I also HATE BEING PREGNANT, and I need to talk about how the two realities can exist at the same time. I also need to figure out how to come out of this hell journey and rekindle a love for my NEW BODY. I am not interested in getting my old body back. Because that body represented a woman that didn't know anything about what it's like to feel your baby kick you from the inside, and know in your heart what she is saying. There is something spiritual that changes in us, and we can never fully go back to our old selves.
So how do we become our new selves. How do we celebrate it? How do we learn to love our mom bods?
Is there a modest way to do this that doesn't involve stripping off our clothes and showing our stretched out tummies to the world on Instagram? Honestly, I'm not interested in that! I'm interested in the internal journey. I would like to find a way to love this body of mine during the last few months of my pregnancy and beyond.
Stay tuned for more thoughts from the trenches.
Hey Fran! Thanks for writing this. I am a couple of weeks ahead of you, and have to say I am experiencing many of the same symptoms. I still get sick, even though I am well into the third trimester. And I am all set with the Vom-peeing (or Sneeze-pee, Cough-pee, etc.) So sorry you are experiencing this as well, and also a bit relieved that I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of the body-image piece, I find it shocking the comments people feel they are allowed to make about my body- usually well-meaning, but would they feel as though it were ok to make parallel comments if I were not pregnant? Like, “oh, I really see the bump today!” I mean, if I were a non-pregnant person would you feel it were ok to say, “hey, you’re looking mighty bloated today!” It is a strange universe to be in. I feel more visually scrutinized than I ever did pre-maternity. Sending you lots of love, this part will be over soon and then you can get to the Mommy part! ❤️, Penny
Hi Penny! I'm just seeing your comment! How did it go? How is your little one? I hope everything is going well. And YES. I got so tired of people saying, WOW, you are looking like you're about to pop! or "You're still pregnant? She must be coming tomorrow!" It was insane. Happy that part is over with.
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