The Nap Time Diaries - #3

Nerves and distraction! Those are the words of the day today.

I have to laugh at the roller coaster I put Paul through on mornings like this. From the moment I wake up, my brain is going a million miles a minute.

We go down for breakfast and I am simultaneously playing a Beatles album at full volume, feeding Simon yogurt, talking about today's schedule, making coffee, and explaining how I bought a menorah yesterday and we are going to celebrate Hanukkah this year. By the time I've explained the spiritual significance of our appropriated holiday and enthusiastically sang my second chorus of "Hava Nagila," Paul's eyes have completely glazed over.

Sometimes I can be a lot.

But this is the way I am on days where I have something big going on. My energy gets amplified and I can't sit still. Today at 3:30 I am auditioning 64 kids for my next production at Watertown Children's Theater, Willy Wonka Jr. They are all between the ages of 7 and 11. (insert mind blowing up emoji here.)

They are so so so excited about the show, and I'm really glad because it makes it impossible to not be excited myself! But I am a bit daunted by the task of double casting a show like this. It's like a puzzle my brain will have to figure out in the next few days and my brain is already completely overwhelmed with adulting. Thank God I have an amazing artistic team to help me!!!

Something I'm getting used to is the constant presence of a soft, quiet undertone of mommy guilt whenever my mind is somewhere else. Whether I am on my phone, indulging in some much needed social distraction, or listening to a podcast, working on my laptop, or heading off to direct, I always feel a tinge of guilt that I am not paying attention to my baby. It's almost as if after you become a mother you never completely get the full potential of your brain back. There is always at least 10% of it that is thinking about your child. I mean look at him! How can I not think about him constantly!

I can deal with this, it is just different. And I hope that at some point it becomes a loving reminder, almost like a heart notification in my brain, and not an emotional pull of guilt.

Guilt serves no purpose. It's a complete waste of time. If I can use those moments when my brain turns to Simon to send him a prayer or a loving thought and then move back to what I'm doing, I think that would be a much better use of my brain power.

Maybe I will try that today. Every time I feel I miss him, or am guilty of not being with him 24/7 or giving him my full attention, I will send him a message of love - telepathically!

In the meantime, I can try to give whatever task I am doing my best in that moment, whether it is playing with my baby or listening to my 50th rendition of "Pure Imagination."



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