Husband? Check. Baby? Check. House? Check. What's next?

Hello world.

I am writing from my new favorite place to muse about life on a laptop, Acton Coffee House in Acton, MA. This is my new town. I live here now. Never thought I would, but I do and it's beautiful.

The other day when Paul and I were walking around our new neighborhood with the dogs and Simon, he asked me if this was the kind of place I dreamed I would live someday. It caught me off guard. I realized I had never dreamed past the points in my life that I feared were impossible to achieve. I never dreamed past getting married and having a baby. I sort of stopped imagining my life at that point. Almost as if once I got there, I was finished dreaming. Like I would get a life graduation certificate and get to retire or something!

But what is crazy about reaching your life goals is that you get there, and then you keep living! Not only that, but life continues to be challenging, complicated, wonderful and mundane. Essentially, the quality of life is better, but the abyss of the future still looms over the horizon. (wow. that was super poetic.)

No matter where you are in life, the unknown future can haunt your present. It is a lot easier when you have a clear vision of where you want to go and what you want to do. But when you are out of ideas, it is both mysterious and sort of terrifying. At least for me.

I have been that person that always seemed to know what I wanted to do with my life. Yeah, my dreams changed and morphed along the way, but in general, I was driven. I am driven. But I do not know how to do maintenance. And when you are a mom and a wife living in a beautiful house, your life is maintenance.

You have to keep that relationship flowering and blooming - by watering it with attention every day. (I've always sucked at watering plants.)
You have to feed, clothe, soothe and hold your baby every day, essentially for the rest of your life.
You have to do the dishes, over and over and over and over again. They just keep showing up!

You have to attend to the quality of your life on a daily basis or the quality goes down.

So far, so good. I feel like I'm learning how to be an active, loving member of my family. I love them, I'm excited about our lives together and about living in this new town.

What eludes me is how to grow as a human, artist and soul-searching person when I am in a stable environment. 

That is the question. I have never had this experience before, to be honest! I have never had stability.

My family broke up when I was only 8 years old. We moved all over the east coast. I traveled back and forth from my parents' homes, which were polar opposites. I struggled to find my purpose in life, and it took me all the way across the country, to LA. I struggled with alcoholism and recovery. I bounced around from man to man and job to job. I have essentially been a bit of a gypsy looking for a home for my entire life.

And here I am in Acton, MA. I'm home. The quiet is eerie. It's peaceful here. I have been waiting for a moment like this since I was a little girl.

But I don't know how to live at home. I don't know how to stay home, and make it beautiful and grow within four walls, and within a loving, supportive family unit.

I don't know how to make art when I'm...happy. 

So I guess that is the new frontier. The growing edge will be how to grow and create within a family and a home. I see it almost like buying a new pair of shoes that are just a few sizes too big and knowing that it will take time to grown into them.

I have already learned how to stay sober for almost 8 years. If I can stick with myself, and not disappear into drug-fueled escapism for that long, I'm sure I can stick with myself in a home and family of my choosing.

We can make this life as beautiful and wild as we want. We can travel the world. I can write music and direct more shows and watch my son grow up and change daily. Paul and I can continue trying to eat healthy and explore new faiths. Really the sky is the limit.

Now that I am not searching for a physical home and family unit, I can let my heart rest within loving arms. And in that rest, I am hoping my soul will feel free to express itself and explore new wisdom and ways to connect with my higher power.

I have to believe that you don't have to be a gypsy to feel free. And you don't have to be lost and sad to make art.

Stay tuned too see if domestic stability can fuel an explorative, evolving, artistic life. I'm convinced it MUST.


PS. I am aware that the current state of our country and world is not what we would call stable. It is madness. although it is peaceful in my little corner of the world in Acton, MA, I am aware that it is not so elsewhere. Having the luxury of self-introspection and blogging is something I may take for granted. Maybe there is a way to somehow become active in the fight against tyranny and injustice...