If you're reading this, you should go to sleep.

I think I should retitle this blog: Insomnia musings. I only ever seem to want to blog when I can't sleep. I think that must be because my head is spinning. Each time I lay it on the pillow, it spins me back up again with thoughts and questions. It drives me insane, and I feel I just have to get it out on paper! I don't even have anything brilliant to say. Although I have just gone on a reading binge of old blog posts and had some thoughts. Like --- I used to be thin and when I was thin, I still thought I was fat! How dumb is that! I also used to blog  A LOT. About absolutely everything. And I loved it. I enjoyed putting my daily life and struggles and epiphanies into words. I liked when people told me they actually read it!

The other day I posted a picture from timehop of me launching on my cross country trip to move to LA and follow my dreams, 6 years a go. A friend from a show I was in back then commented on the photo and said that reading my blog and following my journey back then helped her get the courage to quit her 9 to 5 and go back to school for something she really loves. It changed her life. How crazy is that! You never know that anything you do is going to effect anyone else on the planet ever! But it does. What we do causes ripples and every now and then we get to actually see them. It's a cool thing.

I'm in Santa Barbara for a few weeks teaching my annual musical theatre summer camp. It's pretty fun. I'm directing Pippin - a pretty weird show about an anti-hero who is desperately trying to find an extraordinary life - one that is completely fulfilling in every way. He fails, (spoiler alert!) I think it's a beautiful meditation on growing up and how dreamers grapple with the reality of everyday life. In the end is it a compromise to just live day to day as a human being? To take out the trash and drink a cup of coffee? Or should we always be striving for more, to almost become gods on earth? These are pretty huge questions for a freaking broadway musical. And especially big questions for actors ages 6-12. haha! I still don't know how I'm supposed to explain the scene where the Leading Player and others try to talk our hero into killing himself. The ultimate extraordinary act. Ummmmm. They definitely do not get it. I think maybe that's ok.

There are some huge questions you just don't need to ponder when you're 6. Like how to live a meaningful life...

It's an interesting and wonderful thing being 33 and married.  The questions I used to ponder constantly just don't even factor in anymore. After about the age of 12, you could pretty much count on my thought category. I probably spent 25 years of my life thinking about boys. When was I going to meet one, what would he be like, if I liked one already, did he like me, would I ever be kissed, would I ever have sex, would I ever get married, would I ever be loved?????These questions and thought patterns were basically on loop. Constantly! If I was dating someone, the questions didn't stop. It was always do I really love him, does he love me, is this really it, what about this and that, I'm not sure I like this, is this what it's supposed to feel like, will it last???? Etc. On reapeat. ALWAYS.
If I wasn't dating someone, I was on the look out. Always. Every coffee shop, class, job, bar, sidewalk & party was a possible meeting spot for THE ONE. I was "putting the vibe out there" (as we used to say) and trolling for a soulmate. It used to drive me absoltuely crazy. And it most definitely consumed me.

Now that I'm married and settled down with someone whom I love, who loves me, and the wedding bells have stopped ringing, and the honeymoon is over...I'm not sure what I'm supposed to obsess about!!! My brain is left without a popular topic! I'm not searching or questioning or worried about not finding the one. I'm just...flat out loved! And happy. So what does my brain do now???

It's like I'm on a mission to seek whatever it is I don't have. My mind is always obsessing about the thing outside of my actual experience. It's reaching for the carrot. It's fixating on a goal, rather than enjoying the ride. So for a few months there, I had found my new topic for constant brainstorming: Parenthood. BABIES. How are babies made? (This was actually a question I was asking myself, because unlike our high school sex ed teachers would like us to believe, you don't get pregnant just by having unprotected sex.) WHA???? I've spent my whole adult life trying NOT to get pregnant. No one ever told me, it's actually kind of hard! So my brain LOVES a challenge! Especially something I have no control over! All of a sudden this is the new loop: am I pregnant, what if I can't get pregnant, what if the timing is off, what if it's too soon, how many kids will we have, how will we raise them, will we let them watch tv, will I be good mom, can I even conceive, is there something wrong with my uterus, will being parents ruin our sex life, what if I miscarry, when will it happen, please god make it happen. ON REPEAT. It was enough to sort of drive me loopy for a few weeks there.

This trip to California has been good for me. It has taken the baby making possibility off the table. It's let me breathe for a second and look around and realize what I have, who I am, what I enjoy, and that life is full. If I'm always looking for the next thing, I'm never going to be content with what I have. That's just the fact.

I heard someone recently describe their inner perspective like this: Its like I'm living in Sesame Street, but it feels like The Shining.

My mind has the power to keep me unsatisfied and wanting. It's what the Buddhists call dhukka, and it's just a part of being human. Craving. We all experience it. But when we let it run the show, it can drive us batty. My obsessive brain is capable of really messing with me. It will sense happiness and contentment, and look for the rain cloud all day.

So I guess it's good to have insomnia every once in awhile. It helped me call out my brain. Notice the craving. Notice the crazy. Be grateful that I'm learning. And hopefully go to sleep.



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