Don't feel sorry for me.

I should be asleep. I have to be up wicked early to go to my new part time job. That's right. I had to take a part time job. Apparently when you move to a new town and start a vocal studio out of the blue, it doesn't blow up into a multi-million dollar enterprise right away. Who knew. So I had to become resourceful and find another gig to help pay the bills. I'm scooping ice cream at Toscaninni's in Central Square. and making espresso drinks. I have to be at work at 8 am tomorrow. It's pretty fun actually.

And yet, I'm up. Blogging. It must mean I'm lonely.

That's what blogging is for, afterall. It's a way to end the loneliness of  a late night without actually being with another human being. You can send this little bit of yourself out and into the internet - and enjoy some fantasy that someone on the other end is reading it and nodding their head and somehow embracing you from afar. Who are you, random blog reader? I'm glad you're there.

Moving has proved to be a bit harder than I thought. Anytime any human on the face of the planet has moved locations, they have thought of all the ways that life is going to be better in this new far off land. I was not immune to this fallacy. Yes, life is good here in Cambridge, don't get me wrong. But life is life. There are good days and bad days. As much as I thought living closer to my family would somehow cure me of my chronic loneliness, it hasn't. I'm still lonely. Even though they are there. Even though my best friends in the world are here. Lonely is a state of mind, not being. You could be in a crowded room and still feel alone. And I guess I'm learning that I can be surrounded by friends and family and still feel as if I'm out there on my own. Sink or swim.

I've always managed to swim. I guess I'm a pretty strong person. I've had an independent, free, hard working spirit for most of my life. I'm stubborn and I like to do things my way. But the flip side to being an independent woman, is that you can live a somewhat solitary life. And that is what I do. I eat alone. I watch tv alone (on my computer.) I work alone. I exercise alone (always hated group exercise.) I do most things by myself. I never liked people going to the bathroom with me. I like to walk across the room by myself and have my me time in the stall.

The only problem with this way of life is sometimes the person I'm hanging out with, ME, is sort of a jerk. What do you do when the one person you rely on the most, yourself, sort of wants to sabotage you!? You have to have someone to turn to in those moments of self doubt. Because your MVP just got injured.

I'm lucky enough to have the most amazing friends on the planet. When I'm down and I'm my own worst enemy, my friends are there to pick me up, no matter what. They hold a mirror up to my face and remind me that I'm not an asshole. That I have worth. That they like me because I'm awesome. They make me laugh at my side journeys into dumb behavior or grandiose thinking. They help put my shitty perspective back into order. What would I do without you guys? I'd be a goner.

So as lonely as the night can get in this little house. As lonely as my brain can make me feel in a city full of people who I love. I know that ultimately I'm not alone. I've got whole team of people who care. People who would be there if I was sick. People who love me no matter what. And I feel the same way about them.

Sometimes just thinking about the people who you love makes you feel loved. Sometimes when you're blogging alone at night, just thinking about the people who you care about makes you feel as it they are there with you. Loneliness is a state of mind. And for some reason, just writing about my friends made me feel as if they are here with me. I don't feel alone anymore.

You guys have got my back. And I've got yours.


  1. This is a lovely piece, Fran. And, for what it's worth (very little, I'm sure), I get it. Much luck in your newest venture back here on the East Coast...


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