Can you really 'return' HOME?

Hello blog readers. Who are you?

I started really writing this blog about 3 years ago when I decided to move to Los Angeles and pursue a singing career. This blog was a companion during that crazy transition in my life and for a while there I was writing in it every day. As the journey in LA thickened and twisted and turned in wild places, I sort of lost touch with the blog. But it has always been there as an outlet of creative expression and thought. And sometimes I really need that. Sometimes I can't write in my own journal. Or even call a friend. Or even say out loud how I'm feeling. But somehow when i write it down in this forum, it eases that need to express what's churning. In my guts.

There's a lot churning in my guts right now. And I haven't been able to write a song. Or a poem. Or perform. Or anything like that. I've just been pushing onwards towards the inevitable departure. I'm moving on June 1st. And that is really fucking soon. I'm leaving LA to move back to Cambridge, MA.

It's weird to write that. I wonder what that 'return' to the east means to some of you out there. Maybe it means giving up. Maybe it means I've come to my senses. Maybe you're nodding your heads because you've been there. But it means something very personal and poignant to me. I came out to Los Angles to follow my dreams. But the funny thing is, I didn't quite know what my dreams were at the time. I discovered them while I was here. And it is those very dreams and values that I discovered that are calling me back east.

I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz or Alice after she went down the rabbit hole. I had no idea all along that what I wanted most in the world was right in front of me. Family. Friends. A creative community. Home. What I wanted to find was me. And I've found that. Now I'm ready to return to my roots.

I guess you truly need to leave home to realize what home is to you. And I know you have to pursue your dreams, even your inclings of dreams, in order to find your purpose and true calling in life. It's funny that the answer to these quests is never what you thought it would be. You may pursue a dream of fame and fortune, and find out that your fortune lives in something much deeper than the material world.

I never imagined, for instance, that my quest to share my voice in a professional capacity would lead me to teaching voice and theater to kids. I had no idea this was to be my path. And yet, I landed in the job. And it changed my life forever.

I bow to LA. Eternally. I could sit in namaste to LA for HOURS UPON HOURS for the gifts this city has given me. My sobriety. My songs. My career. My friends and LA family. The gratitude I feel is overwhelming. And the sadness to leave is there too. Just under the surface of my eyes. It's been peaking out in LA traffic a lot lately when I'm alone and thinking about how much I love my life here.

But there is a season for everything. There is a season to go out into the wilderness and hunt and gather and gain all the knowledge you possibly can, and then there is a season to return home and hibernate and huddle in close with your family and use what you have learned to survive the next season. That is where I am right now. I need to be near my family.

And I'm ready. I'm ready to show up for them. To give of my time and talents to them, whenever they need me. I took a lot during my 20s. I sucked out all the marrow that life had to offer! And I'm glad I did. I sewed my wild oats and was as selfish as can be. It was marvelous. Now I'm ready to be a part of the whole. To contribute.

We only get one chance in life. And when you have an epiphany on a sunny patio in Santa Fe. And all the cells in your being are pointing in a certain direction. And your creative mind runs wild with the possibilities. And your heart leaps. And you soul sits cross legged in a serene happy gesture, as if to say, "yes."

You better get your ass off that chair and follow the direction that just hit you in your forehead like a ray of sunshine. Sometimes the universe says 'go.' And sometimes it shouts, "GO!"

I can't pretend to know what's on the other side of this transition. Who knows what the real purpose of me moving back east is. Who knows that will happen. But I know that I'm ready to show up for my life. Like never before. I'm excited about who I've turned out to be. And I'll never say 'good-bye' to LA. I'll always say, "Until next time."

Follow the blog as I road trip back home!!! Starting on June 1st!

xo
f