An open letter to Santa. by Fran Betlyon
It's been a long time since we talked. I'm sorry about that. I'm 30 now, and I sort of stopped believing in you like...20 years ago. I was pretty hurt back then when I found out you were not real. It seriously messed up my shit for awhile. I was like, wait, what about the Easter bunny? Tooth fairy? God????? Anyway, I've been through a lot since then, and I've sort of come to my senses. You're real as shit, and I've been really good this year, and I want a lot of stuff!
I know what you're thinking, there were those couple of fights with my siblings, a few white lies here and there, TONS of complaining and swearing sprinkled in. But let's get real, Santa, I did awesome this year! I know your elves would agree. So here is my list of things, not necessarily in order, that I am requesting for Christmas. This work/reward idea is brilliant! I've worked my ass off to be a good person - so it's time to reap the benefits! Here we go, Santa. Settle in with some cookies and a glass of room temp milk, cuz it's a long one.
1. I want all of my bills to be paid, come Christmas morning - this includes car PAID OFF and back taxes from last year.
2. An entirely new wardrobe specifically suited for my environment, job, social life, and current trends
3. A new car without scratches from past drunk & tired driving side swipes
4. Cleaning service for a year
5. To meet, marry, and procreate with a wonderful, hot man who does not interfere with my life in any way whatsoever
6. My songs to be picked up for a publishing deal and placed in various awesome and trendy shows, movies, and commercials
7. To fall into a lot of money because of said placements and be able to do whatever I want whenever I want ALL THE TIME
8. To be super fit and sporty and hot without any fat on my tummy or upper arms
9. For all of my family to live close by, but somehow not be in each other's business
10. For all of my friends to have success and love - all in the same year - all at the same time
(while I'm having it too)
11. HEALTH INSURANCE
12. A trip to India
13. A trip to Italy
14. A trip to England
15. A trip to France
16. A trip to Hawaii
17. A trip to Antarctica (Where you live)
18. A cute dog exactly like my former Dog, Dolly, but who doesn't shit, piss or whine
19. A disease free family - healthy, happy, and living forever!
20. A peaceful world
21. Socks that never get lost ( this can be a stocking stuffer)
22. Confidence and compassion
23. The ability to play AMAZING guitar and piano
24. A new coffee pot
25. Sessions with a life coach who knows exactly the right decisions for me to make at exactly the right times and helps me go through with it
26. Cadbury chocolate
Thank you so much for reading my list, Santa. I always thought it was really cool that you took the time to sit down and read and care about what each little child in the world desired. I know my heart was warmed as a kid knowing that I was cared for so unconditionally. I realize you may not be able to do any of these things for me. I'm a realist. I'm an adult. These are some pretty crazy and out there requests. But you're fucking Santa!
I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I'll be waiting up on Christmas Eve. I've never caught you before, but I'm a freaking grown up now, so you better be sneaky, because I'm going to have all the spy gear and bases covered! And I'm going to leave you home made cookies and organic milk - and some coffee, cause I get it, you're tired!
I love you Santa. Have a Merry Christmas. And thanks for listening.