I'm not Madonna. Is that ok?

Good morning loves,

Why is it that I always feel I should be some way - other than the way I am? Do you ever get that? I sure as hell do.

Lately my desired characteristic is blind ambition. I want it. I wish I was that way. Not blond ambition. I'm already fake blond. I mean Blind! Like the kind Madonna had.

You know the types. I know the types. A lot of them live in Los Angeles. People who are on a one track path to Glory or fame or success in whatever their field is. There is no surrender. There is no stopping them. They WILL make it to their goal come hell or high water and when they tell me this, I believe them. These are the movers and the shakers. Their profession or art or goal defines who they are in every way. They live and breathe for it. And because of this blind obsession and hard work and hustle - they are REALLY GOOD at what they do. How could they not be? They do it all the time. And it pays off. There is no plan B or C. There aren't really other desires floating around in their brain. There is the THING. The thing they must do. This is a life of obsessive purpose.

I...am not this way. By nature. My life is a little more scattered, a little less organized, a little more relaxed, a little ADD, a little too fun, a little laid back, and also more balanced. Unfortunately, in this context, I really value peace of mind. Anything that messes with my serenity and general health goes under serious observation and might end up getting cut. I value my spiritual life and my quality of living over anything else. It's true. By quality - I don't mean material things. I spent the last couple weeks coming up with creative ways to live off of Ramen noodles and carrots. I mean quality experiences. Lasting relationships. Beautiful art and music. Meaningful conversations. Uplifting scenery. Bladder crushing laughter. Unforgettable performances. And precious hugs. These are the things I love about life. These are the things I want to enjoy and treasure from this moment on, no matter what. There is absolutely no goal that comes before...the everything!

So, my beef is. I guess that means a different sort of career for me. The kind that does not envelop my entire life. The kind that enriches life and makes it fun and meaningful. Hopefully the kind that supports my everyday necessities. But in the entertainment business, there is this sort of expectation. This myth, I hope. That if you are not 100% dedicated and obsessed with obscene success in your art and fame, you will not make it. Can this be true? Is this true? Because if it is, I'm screwed. I can't be bothered with that kind of one track thinking. I love what I do. It brings me joy and it makes other people happy. But is it my reason for living? No. Is it my religion? No. Is it the main condition on the quality of my life and happiness? No.

So maybe the BIG SUCCESS is for the people who really want that overwhelming career. Maybe it's for the people who want to be driven by what they do and nothing else? I don't know. Maybe it's noble? There definitely is a need for people like this in life. Without them, we wouldn't have Madonna or President Obama or Oprah. We need career obsessed humans - because they don't stop and they make HUGE changes. Like when Madge went musical theater and starred in Evita. EARTH SHATTERING.

I guess I'm just whittling down the idea that I'm not one of those people. And is that ok? Is it ok to be small time? Is it ok to want a quieter life? Is it ok to not want to make the bigtime? And more importantly - is it possible to be a professional in the music world, without that sort of success? I really hope so. I"m starting to imagine what that might look like. I think it could be really wonderful and creative and satisfying. I think I'm on my way there. Totally.

I personally think anything is possible. So the most important thing to do before you dream your dreams and put them into action?... decide what your dreams are. What I'm in the process of doing is deciding that my dreams are just enough. They are good enough. They don't need to be any bigger or grander than they are. And when they need to be bigger - they'll grow. And when they need to get smaller - they'll shrink. For now, I am imagining a life that is more wonderful than I ever thought possible. Well rounded. Full of love. Creative. Funny. And KICK ASS.

I truly am living the dream. L'n the D, as we say. It's just not the one I thought I should be living. Isn't that the way?



  1. Well, there's ambition, but ambition in the service of ambition (see: Madonna) is exactly what it is. Ambition in the service of a larger goal, or heck, even your art or something that isn't ambition for ambition's sake, can be admirable.

    It's interesting that you pick three huger-than-huge pop-culture personalities, though, as your examples. On the other end of that spectrum, professional-wise, is someone like Aimee Mann, another female singer-songwriter who is not going to be on a Major Network, but who makes a good living and gets good gigs and writes heartbreaking songs. She works hard at it. She's been through the shit. But she'll never be profiled on the Today Show.

    L.A. is a perfect place to actually make a living in music. If you get into the biz, you might actually be able to do it. Working hard doesn't have to mean working towards being a superstar. Looking at your three examples, I can't say that sort of high profile is worth the trade-off.

    But work. Work hard. You'll work hard for a goal and a dream that actually resonates with you. That is The Way.

  2. YOu're so right, Scott. It's the difference between ambition for ambition's sake and towards an artistic goal.

    If I align my energy and hard work towards making great music - that is a healthy and wonderful pursuit. Aimee Mann is a great example of that. And in general, that is what the artists who have inspired me did. Fame may have come to them. But it was never the goal.

    You hit the nail on the head. To work hard at a goal that resonates with you. That is the way towards a beautiful career.



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