Smoking is sooo One Day Ago
Good Morning world,
How are you? I am sitting outside in the sunshine at the Coffeebean down the street. There a two hot British guys behind me smoking ciggies. Oh geeze. We just had a laugh about quitting. I quit yesterday. I'm really trying to not smoke. It is absolutely an awful idea all together! It's disgusting. It ruins your voice. It fucks up your skin. It makes you die a slow and painful death. It makes you look like an a-hole. But take it from someone who smoked her first cigg at 12. Those mother effers are addictive!
It doesn't help that all my singing idols smoked like fiends: Judy Garland, Joni Mitchell, Billy Holiday, Janis Joplin.
They make smoking look cool. It doesn't help that at times I find it extremely romantic and sexy and vintage. And it doesn't help that I no longer indulge in other mind altering drugs or liquids. Ciggs are the one vice I have left - other than...ok there are other vices I could get into if I want. But Ciggs have been a cherished one. I mean look at how I have nick-named them!?! Ciggs! Like they are my little buddy ole pal who comes to hang out sometimes. There was only one time in my life when I was seriously a smoker - as in pack a day. It was when I had completely given up on singing or life or having any purpose ever again and was determined to party like I was never going to die. Since then they have come in and out of my life casually. I would usually bum cancer sticks from friends when I was drinking. Or if I knew it was going to be a big party night, I would buy a pack. In general I cared too much about my voice to really hurl myself into the smoking culture full on. But when I look at the history - I have smoked on and off for 15 years. That is a long time! That is long enough to do some serious damage. That is...sad actually.
So anyway, the smoking has sort of creeped back into my life since I quit drinking. I bought a pack just to sort of comfort myself. Then I bought another pack. And another. It doesn't take long to feel the effects of cigarette smoke in your body. You start noticing a layer of thin mucus covering your throat. You're always sort of clearing the airways. You notice it in your singing. My voice teacher told me it inflames your vocal chords and constricts your lung capacity. Automatically. So there's that. I was hiking Runyon Canyon the other day by myself and when I reached the top I had a minor asthma attack. I mean full on. I could not breath. I had to sit down and calm myself and get it back in gear. That is SCARY as shit. Hello! I have had asthma issues on and off throughout my life as well, but haven't had a problem in years! Just give me a few packs of ciggies and I'm right back on the asthma train! Not to mention that it STINKS. It smells disgusting. And I like to smell good. And I know I have not been smelling like roses lately. I must be smelling like a smoker.
Great. Grand. Good Lord.
Is it expecting too much of myself to quit all vices in one dramatic swoop!?! Maybe. But I'm also out here attempting to be a professional singer. I would like to be able to count on my instrument to deliver at all times. I would like to not walk around with my head held low, guilty because I know I'm slowly killing myself/hurting my body 7 to 8 times a day. I do not want to sabotage my career. I want to make it happen. I also want to feel healthy. In a lot of ways, I feel healthier than I have felt in 10 years. My system is clean. But I think that the nicotine and smoke has not helped the situation. It makes you feel sickly. Seriously!
So anyway. I'm adding it to the list.
Fuck you and get out of my life.