28 going on 13: how I got younger in 90 days
Good morning world,
I am officially back in my routine - hallelujah! There is really nothing like waking up in your bed with your sheets and doing your spiritual thing and going to your coffee shop and writing on the blog and going to the gym and doing your work and writing music, etc. Yes. I'm into it. I am an unorganized soul who is finding comfort in simple organized things.
Like not pushing the snooze button in the morning - and waking up at the same time each day.
Like making my bed -- every single day.
Like 10 minutes of meditation before I get going.
These tiny little increments of time can make or break my entire day. And today they made it great! So thanks, little things.
I am also sort of excited today. I have reached a particular milestone in my sobriety and it seems sort of impossible. I have not had any alcohol or pot for 90 days.
That is 3 months. That is a long time! I can't believe it. I made it through the holidays! I by no means feel cured or relieved of my desire to get completely shitfaced - but I can say that I feel good. I feel healthy. I feel...clean. I feel humble. I feel grateful to my friends and family who have helped me along the way - especially when I was in a crisis. I also by no means want to rest on any laurels. I just read "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs (thanks Loraine) and it blew my mind! He was a cocky 90dayer. He thought - I'm done. I'm never going to drink again. He stopped getting help and got in an unhealthy relationship and his friend died and he relapsed to a place that was worse than ever before! Crack den. Scary as crap. It's a memoir too. True. I don't want to end up like this incredibly successful author - so I need to stay humble!
If getting sober is teaching me anything it is that I cannot survive on my on. I used to think I could. I am a pretty independent person. I do not like counting on other humans for...anything. I like to count on myself. I also didn't like leaning on God. I would go to him after the fact. Never before when the feelings were hard to take. I am learning that not only do I have to count on God in order to survive - I also need to ask people for help when I need it. YUCK. How much does that suck? I would so much rather hide in a darkened room listening to Nick Drake or Joni Mitchell writing moody journal entries. My tears would smear the ink in this really dramatic way and I thought "I'm really getting somewhere." BUT I'm learning that this behavior - isolating - is the sort of behavior that fed my depression that made me want to drink like an asshole with a death sentence.
So I'm learning how not to do that so much. I'm learning that counting on others to be there for you is actually a beautiful thing. It's a different kind of friendship. It's rewarding and beautiful.
Here is the other feeling I have. It feels like life is just beginning. Really. I feel like I'm starting off again where I left off. I started drinking when I was 13 - not like a drunk - but you get the picture. The need to escape my reality kicked in at a very young age. Today i feel like I'm starting from where I left off. I feel young and sort of vulnerable and full of hope and excitement and anxiety. I'm nervous about boys - in a teenage way - not my jaded "I'll kiss them when I'm drunk" way. I'm hopeful and optimistic about my singing career. I see it in a pure, unadulterated way. It is a beautiful thing. I don't feel like a bad person - often I was walking around the planet with a guilty conscience. Not so much today.
Basically, I have 90 days sobriety and I feel like I'm about 13 years old. I guess that's a pretty cool place to be. I never could have imagined this is the turn my life would take when I got out to California. But now I get it. It makes perfect sense. It's a God thing. It's sort of a tit for tat. In order to live out my dreams I needed to prepare. You don't lay your brand new perfect baby that you've wanted your entire life on a bed of cow shit. Nope. You lay her down on a beautiful, clean, safe, comfortable crib - a sold foundation for her to sleep and grow on. I'm building my crib. This metaphor is now out of control - but you get the picture!!!!!!
So. Yay. I hope you all have a wonderful day today. I have some new songs that I can't wait for you all to hear. The next show is on Jan. 30 and it's going to be fantabulous!
Be kind. Re-wind.
In honor of my teenage status. Here is one of my favorite songs from those days. Ah, the angst.
"1979" - The Smashing Pumpkins