Revealing another piece of the pie.
Good morning Kitty,
Guess what? It's FRIDAY! Yippidydoooooo! Take a load off! It's time for R & R. Hell yes.
I have had a pretty productive week. I wrote two new songs - hallelujah, thank you God! I thought that I had entered into a dry spell, so that feels pretty rad. I applied to a Nashville Songwriting competition, SXSW music festival in Austin, and sent in submissions to a radio station that only plays "Women of Substance". I played out and cultivated some connections.
I went out and heard my mentor and inspiration sing Jacques Brel songs. She is divine and beautiful and such a soul sister! Here we are:
Rona, Mary, Amanda McBroom, and me.
There is something else I would like to reveal and bare with me. I would like to share that I have not consumed any alcohol or drugs for 25 days. This is a record I believe I have not reached since I was about 19.
I was not going to blog about my mission to 'get clean' for a lot of reasons, group. First of all, we all know that this is a very personal, private journey. It's something that you might not want the world to 'weigh' in on. For anyone who has ever suffered some sort of addiction or problem with a substance - they know that there is no one else on the planet who can quite understand their experience with it. But I feel like if I can't be honest and stripped down in my blog - it loses it's flavor. This is what is going on with me - so I'm sharing it.
Many of you out there might be saying 'Fran doesn't have a problem with booze?' or 'Here we go again, Fran's on another diet craze!' Some of you might be saying, 'Finally! I was a little worried about her sometimes.' Either way - it became very clear to me recently that I had a problem. The problem is that at certain times in my life - and they are pretty regular - I decide I need to 'let loose.' I need to say 'fuck it.' I feel as if I have worked and tried hard enough to be good and be perfect and be everything to everyone and I say, "It's time to party." What happens after that is a complete loss of control. I know I've had some REALLY good times with a lot of you! Funny, hilarious, pee your pants type of fun nights that involved drinking. But, this is not always the case. I would like to just share with the general public that I am completely aware that my life is a gift. I have been black out wasted with strangers in strange lands. Many times. The fact that I am alive is somewhat of a miracle. The most recent time - which actually happened out here in LA - it was quite possible that I was going to experience the reality of the movie "Knocked Up". If you haven't seen it and tend to drink a lot and hook up - WATCH IT. It will scare the living shit out of you.
I have come to realize that I have a lot to live for. Those of you who have been reading this blog know that I have entered into a new phase of my life. I have abandoned the old ways of fear and hiding - and I'm out there singing - trying to make a career out of what I love and have loved my whole life. I feel as if finally I have something going for me that is too important to fuck up for one night of 'FUN.' I did not want to be that statistic - that person who had so much going for her and ended up pregnant, with a disease, in jail or dead. I know that sounds crazy dramatic. And it is. I don't want the drama anymore. NO MO DRAMA. I'm not willing to sacrifice anything for a party anymore. Nope. It's not going to happen. Have you ever driven drunk? I have. How lucky am I that I didn't kill myself or someone else in that car. Am I willing to test fate and God and life to the limit? Not quite. I'm pretty sure that my luck will run out. And I'm just sharing this with ya'll because I want you to know that I'm not leaving my life up to chance anymore. It might mean that I can't enjoy a sweet glass of red with you - but you better believe I will be present and joyfully engaging in life - and that's all I can ask for.
It's funny because I actually found this doc when I was re-stalking STEVE-O. It looks like he got clean too. Maybe it's possible to live life a different way - even when it seems impossible. Even when your whole career and persona is based on getting wasted. Getting drunk is what made Steve-o famous and rich! But drugs and alcohol almost killed him. And he stopped.
I'm sure it seemed absolutely insane and impossible to stay abstinent. To never pick up a drink. And to be honest, it seems that way for me too. But I'm just living in today going - what if I don't? What if I don't drink today? Hmmmmm. Who knows what could happen then! And maybe it's not impossible. And maybe it is extreme - but so is dying young.
I love ya'll. Thanks for letting me blog about my life and not making fun of me, at least to my face. Thanks for not judging me if I eff this up. I'm just trying to live my life the best I can. And thanks for reading. oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
the moment of fran zen:
"A Change is Gonna Come" - Sam Cooke