a few thoughts on surrender

Good Morning world.

I'm up a lil early today. I have a long rehearsal/session with my voice teacher to prep for Saturday. I am very excited about it because she rules!

Last night Jared and I set off to the Gardenia to play a little tune. It was fun as always. What a great group of people. We were 20th on the list so by the time our turn popped up I was a little tired and impatient. The piano keys seemed heavy and the mic was confusing and I couldn't hear poor Jared, but all in all I think we did "ooh-la-la" justice and it was good to get those jitters out. Jared did awesome!!!!!!

I had this weird sensation during the song that it was a really strange song ---like I kept feeling like the audience was going "What the hell is this?" Maybe they were, but probably not. I need to get over that little feeling. Yeah, it's maybe a bit off the beaten track compared to Rogers and Hammerstein, but it's just a plain ole song. People have heard and enjoyed way weirder and worse stuff!

So I just have time for a little thought today, that's all. What would happen if we admitted to ourselves that we could no longer control our destiny? What if we admitted that all of our maneuvering and 'trying' just did not cut it anymore. What if we stopped? Stopped controlling every situation - every conversation - manipulating moments to serve our egos, etc. What if we just surrendered control of our lives? And I don't mean in a passive way. I mean in a "I'll show up for life way - fully aware and healthy and able - and Universe/God/high power - you do the rest." What would happen? I've been experiencing a little of that surrender since coming out here - and I can tell you that what has happened has been divine circumstances and beautiful opportunities to experience and share love and music. It has been amazing. But what I'm facing today are those little dark spots in our lives. The ones we are clutching on to. The things we might be ashamed of - but most adamantly refuse to give up control over. We are so afraid of what might happen if we let them go - that we cannot even loosen our grasp. These are the things we have used to survive, the tools we have used to relate to others, to 'get happy' when we're sad, to feel alright, or to feel unstoppable. I'm taking a hard look at the things that I feel unwilling to give up to God. The things that I am grasping onto. Because I think these things keep me from experiencing true freedom. The funny thing is that when you are under the delusion of control - you are actually a slave of the situation. Isn't that funny? I've often heard that you can't serve two masters. Who are your masters? Money, sex, shopping, family, drugs, alcohol, food, exercise, dieting, work - what is it? What are you unwilling to let go control over? What is keeping you from freely experiencing love at all times? What is keeping you from flying? What are you holding onto so tight that your knuckles are white? hmmmmm. That's what I'm pondering today.

Lots of love, kinfolk.

Amazing Grace - Mahalia Jackson