When Nothing Works out...Everything does.
Good morning world,
I’m writing to you from my desk in my studio, looking out the window at the gathering leaves in my yard. We are approaching October here in New England, my favorite time of year. The air is getting crispy, the windows are open and reflection on the past year has officially begun.
This year is especially significant for me. Last year at this time I had no idea my life was about to take a very dramatic turn. I was entering my fifth month of marriage to my new wife, my kids were settling into kindergarten and 2nd grade, I was making plans for the future as a family, and the outlook was rosy.
As we entered October, a few things started going “wrong.” My basement was flooded by the pool company, causing thousands of dollars of damage and destroying several important items to my wife and myself. Financially we were struggling to get by, as the painting and design business we had started that summer wasn’t taking off as we planned. At the same point, peri-menopause symptoms were getting worse for me, I was deeply depressed and struggling with drug addiction. My anxiety was climbing to a fever pitch. Then my wife’s father ended up in the hospital, the same day that I got a flat tire. It was the perfect storm of misfortune. The last straw.
I’ll never forget the night of October 10th, 2024. It was a rare sighting of the Aurora Borealis in New England. We often don’t get to view it this far south. It was around 8:30pm when Elle called me and the kids out to the front yard. The entire sky had turned a bright, hot pink. It was otherworldly, awesome and almost worrisome. Now I know that that pink sky was a warning, or maybe a sign that change was coming.
I remember thinking as I looked up at the sky of the quote from one my favorite movies, The Burbs, “Green sky at morning, neighbor take warning.” “Green sky at night?” “Neighbor take flight.” What does a pink sky mean? I thought.
I laid in bed that night worrying about the future. How would we afford the bills for the month? How could I pay for the weed I needed to get through another day? My stash had run out, I needed new tires and I had about $1,000 to my name. How could we make it until the day I received some of the inheritance that was coming from my dear, departed grandfather? How could I control the impending storm?
The next morning, October 11th, we woke up and everything seemed relatively normal. We all snuggled in bed together. We were laughing and generally happy and all was well. Until it wasn’t. I started to panic. My mood suddenly shifted. I was angry and upset. I started a fight with my wife. She got defensive. We argued. It got ugly between us. Threats were made on both of our parts, as our most triggered selves took over. She took the kids to school, took off her ring and never returned, except to gather her things a week later.
I broke down. In the 12 Step program I belong to, we would say, I bottomed out. I called my mother and told her I needed to check in somewhere, maybe a rehab, maybe a loony bin. But I had lost my mind and my marriage in one heartbreaking swoop.
She picked me up and took me for a walk in the woods. I broke down and told her I had run out of good ideas. I was done making plans for the future. I had lost everything and I was ready to give up. I had run my life into the ground. I slid off the rock I was sitting on and cried. My mother picked me up off the ground and told me she had recently heard about a program specifically for cannabis addicts, MA. She suggested I go to her house with the kids for the weekend, dry out, and go to a meeting online. She would help me buy new tires, and we would be ok.
I did exactly that.
My first day sober and my first meeting at Marijuana Anonymous was October 12, 2024. My entire world fell apart the day I walked into the rooms of recovery. I cried in every meeting I attended for weeks. I got a therapist, for me and the kids, I reached out to friends, I got back on meds to support my mental health, and I held on for dear life.
Slowly but surely, after everything fell apart, the pieces started to come back together. My heart started to heal as I went no contact with my ex. My divorce was finalized. I got 30 days, then 60, then 90, then 6 months. I got a sponsor and worked the 12 steps. I made new friends and deepened old relationships with kindred spirits. I was diagnosed with ADHD and started receiving the correct treatment. I started sponsoring other newcomers in my group. I got service positions and started giving back. I volunteered at my local theatre and directed my first show since the pandemic.
My life started to turn around. My self-esteem blossomed. My relationships with my family healed. My kids became happier and more confident than ever as my relationship with them recovered. I started teaching again and singing again and writing essays. I painted the interior of my home colors that made me feel happy and inspired. I enjoyed the most peaceful and happy summer at the beach I can remember in years. I met my new girlfriend in the summer and started developing a healthy, happy relationship that was devoid of toxic patterns and addiction. I went back to the doctor and the dentist, repairing years of neglect in my body, mind and mouth.
I can honestly say that a year past the the worst day of my life, I am happier and healthier than I have ever been in my adulthood. I am living authentically and in my power and purpose. I am healing wounds that went untreated for years during my active addiction. I am repairing the loss of trust in myself and God, slowly stiching up the rupture I had caused, day by day.
I’m writing this to say that NONE of my grandiose plans from the last 5, hell maybe even 10 years have worked out. I lost two marriages. I no longer have full custody of my children. I lost a dream business I loved. I moved and lost opportunities to make big bucks in my career. I relapsed. I lost friendships and changed course many times. My control of the past, present and future failed 100%.
But by accepting that failure. By surrendering that control. By loving myself enough to keep going and accept my own limitations, I have found a beautiful connection to divine presence, intuition, love and faith.
I still struggle. But I never struggle alone. I still get afraid, but never without a hand to hold. I feel connected to a power that truly holds me and guides me in this life, one step at a time.
And this isn’t the first time the 12 steps of recovery have saved me. What felt like miraculous timing is the fact that my first sobriety date, when I entered the halls of AA the first time, was October 12, 2009. That day I quit drugs and alcohol, walked into my first meeting, and stayed sober for 11 years. My life was transformed then too. But that time around, I was getting sober as a bargain with God. I had told my higher power, If I get sober and sacrifice these substances I love, you will do your side of the bargain. You will make all my dreams come true. See, I was still aiming at control. I was still hoping that by being “good,” good would come my way. I still had plenty of brilliant schemes.
What I have learned is that I cannot control much of anything at all. That 1 plus 1 doesn’t always equal 2. That no matter how perfect I behave, it all can come tumbling down regardless.
My higher power brought me to my knees yet again on October 12, 2024, 15 years to the day from my first bottom. I believe that the end of my relationship, my dreams and schemes, was EXACTLY what I needed in order to come back to life. I believe that my higher power picked that day, that specific day, the day after the sky went pink, to bonk me over the head with their power. To say to me, “Fran, you think you’ve got all of this under control? You think you know what is best? Watch THIS!”
In removing the things I thought brought me safety and security, like my drug and my dependent relationship, my God showed me what I can truly rely on. My God showed me that the power greater than me is so awesome, so mysterious, and so worth surrendering to. In losing everything I thought I needed to survive, I gained my life.
Now I know, that when I get a REALLY GREAT IDEA, I should take a pause. I should pray about it. I should run it by some trusted friends. It needs to pass the higher power test before I take it into action. Because my selfish ego and spontaneous nature is quite short-sighted. I have a hard time seeing the forest, because I’m all mixed up with the trees.
But my higher power has the forest in mind at all time. The world is a miraculous place. The universe is infinate. And I am just a tiny spec in the grand scheme of things. Small, and yet uniquely connected to the health of the entire ecosystem. To think that I know what is best for ALL is to greatly disservice the natural intelligence of this world. When I surrender to that wisdom, I experience peace and abundance.
So as I enter October 2025, the anniversary of my downfall, and the anniversary of my sobriety, I am so grateful for this life, for the witnesses and friends who have helped me along the way, and for my faith in a power so beautiful and mysterious that conspired to ruin my life, simply to save it.
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