Seven Years and Seven Months!

Hello there,

I am writing on this special day to mark a milestone in my life. Today I am seven years sober and seven months pregnant. No wonder I have always believed in lucky number 7. I feel it's important to mark certain days with the reverence they deserve, and today is one of those days.

Seven years ago on this day, October 12th, I felt absolutely hopeless. I had suffered from depression and alcoholism for years, continuing down in a spiral that was headed nowhere. Despite my efforts to change my location, after moving my entire life to Los Angeles to follow my dreams, I was still right where I had been - confused, trapped, out of control and completely ruled by my addiction. I needed to change the way I was and felt at every given moment of the day. Nothing was good enough. If I wasn't drinking, I was thinking about drinking, either when I would do it, or how to control it. My life was not my own. I was busy putting up an array of perfect looking faces for the various people in my life, always striving to impress, while feeling rootless and lost on the inside. I couldn't keep it up.

I realized in a moment of clarity that all these dreams I had for myself: to have a career I loved, a committed relationship with a man, a family of my own -- these things were impossible for me if I kept drinking the way I was. I was going to lose it all. I was losing it all, because I had nothing to lose. I couldn't keep a job, a man, a commitment or even an appointment sometimes. Hell, I couldn't even open my own mail! But I knew there had to be a way out, and there was.

I was broken emotionally and spiritually, but a higher power somehow picked me up and let me know that it was possible to live a day without drinking. I was scared shitless. But I made my way into a program that saved my life. Bit by bit I worked my way back to a sense of self I could believe in, back to a person of grace and dignity, back to a person who was capable of committing to making her dreams come true.

It was insanely difficult. It still is. Every day I have to remind myself that I have a reason to stay present and sober for my life. This beautiful life that I am lucky to live. Every day I have to ask for help and I have to look for ways to help others. But seven years later I can safely say that all the things I thought I would never have and in no way deserved, I have today, by some sort of Grace.

Not only have I lived for seven years without a drink, but I have a committed relationship to myself and God, and because of that - I married an amazing man and partner, I have an incredible, artistic career and I'm seven months pregnant with my first child.

There is so much hope and life inside me, literally! And the crazy thing is, I have faith in my ability to be a parent today. I have faith in my ability to be a loyal and kind wife. I have faith in my ability to keep going one day at a time and do my best. Because even when I've had my darkest days, I have been loved and taken care of, and I have not had to escape in the comfort of a drink.

Together with God, I have survived some heavy shit. Losing my job, losing a baby, moving across the country, facing family illnesses, and more. Have I ever wanted to say FUCK IT, I'm out!??? YES. Yes, I have. In fact just yesterday I was crying like a baby in my bathtub, feeling trapped and scared.

But you know what happened, and what has continued to happen for seven years? God showed up. The people in my life showed up and lifted me onto my feet and made me laugh and feel like I could do this, and VOILA! That is how amazing life can be when I "Let go and let God."

Miracles, miracles, miracles.

So today, October 12, 2016, I have a lot to lose. I have a life I have always dreamed of, and a beautiful baby boy on the way. I'm about to go to Ikea with my awesome husband and continue nesting in our sweet house in preparation for the life we have always wanted. It's amazing. And I am full of gratitude.

Thank you God, for 7 and 7, and I don't mean the drink.
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