Too much me for you? Go screw!

Have you ever heard the expression "Too much metal for one hand!"? It is a description of this hand gesture:

Well, sometimes I feel as if I am too much metal for one hand.

Sometimes I feel like I am too!

You know that other expression, "Less is more"?

I've never really been good at that one.

I'm an intense person. I like to jump in full throttle. I like to talk loudly and sing loudly and curse often. I like to have really intimate conversations and laugh till my guts burst and make big mistakes and fall in love instantly and make messes. I guess that is just how my fabric is woven!

All this intensity and loudness works great on stage. It has always translated well to a large room & an audience. Maybe that is one of the reasons I have always felt most understood and loved when I am performing. It's almost as if my natural way of being fits better in front of a large group than one on one! Like I can express myself the way I really want to on stage, but in person it's all just a little too much!

I can sense this out and about and in my relationships. I can see my brother getting overwhelmed with my speaking voice or cheerfulness, I can sense people backing away after I express myself passionately to them...and the sense I'm getting from them is, "Fran, you're just too much metal for one hand."

But as I'm getting comfortable in my 30s, I'm starting to realize that toning down my spirit and my zest for life to make others cozy or to make them like me is just not something I can do anymore. I've played myself down for many years because I thought it was a more palatable experience for others. With men, I have played coy or quiet, or calmed my creativity or passion so as to make them feel safer. With people who didn't seem to like me, I would morph my personality to what I believed would be easier for them to take or enjoy.

And as you know, it doesn't work. Because the most important persoanl relationship I have is with myself. And if I'm constantly telling myself, "Shhhhh, you're too much! You're too loud. You're too bossy or intense. You're overwhelming them." My spirit starts to fade. I start to feel unsafe in my own skin! And that is a really shakey place for any recovering person to be in.

So the bottom line is, we all may be a little too "Something" for some people. A little too loud, or proud, or liberal, or silly, or serious, or attractive, or intellectual, or mean! But if we are who we are, without appologies all the time, what will happen is that our true fans will become even more attracted to us. And stick with us. For life! And the people who aren't our fans, will go chill with someone else.

It's just like a recording artist who spends all their time making records that they think people will want to hear. And when it comes down to it, they have no true fans, becasue they were not brave enough to be genuine. When you are genuine, you turn a lot of people off, and you turn other people on. It's like a quote from one of my favorite musicals, title of show, "I'd rather be 9 people's favorite thing, than a hundred people's ninth favorite thing."

Some people really really love jazzy flute pop solos and jerry curls. So they DIE for Kenny G. For others, it's just a little too much, and they would rather die than go to a Kenny G show. But dammit, Kenny, you better be yourself and play that flute and flip your hair around! That's YOU!

I'd rather be me and have 2 fans, than not me and have 100!

To thine ownself be true.

And screw em if they can't take a fuck!



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