It's not just a demo, it's a way of life.
I want to blog. I've been wanting to blog for an entire week. This past week life exploded on me. Conditions were a little out of control. Good and bad. It was one of those weeks were if you sit still for a second and try to figure out what is happening, you go mental. I just had to ride the wave.
I'm glad I did.
I met some new friends. I wrote about them last week. Our fast friendships did not end over cupcakes and fries. The English girl, Emma, actually moved in with me for a week or so. It has been amazing. There are times in your life when people enter in for a reason. Emma did. I have learned SO MUCH this week. It's insane. When you ask the universe for help, it answers. And sometimes it answers with a crazy pixie from London!
This past week I had to make a very hard decision about the demo I planned on recording in June. I had anxiety. Lots of it. I was basically freaking out about it. I had no idea where to steer this fast moving train I was on, who was driving, where I was going, and why I was even on the trip. I had roped some of my best friends into this crazy trip with me and we were all looking at each other going, 'What was the point of this again?' This trip was an EGO TRIP. Completely. I had convinced myself that in order to prove to you all and everyone else and myself that I was a good singer/songwriter and I had not spent a year of my life wasting time in sunny LA, that I had to record a spiffy demo. NOW. I put the money up for it. I grabbed my talented friends in Boston to help, and basically said to them - Will you do this for me? I'm not sure what it is gonna be, but just do it! We were butting heads. I was changing my mind and my mission statement on a hour to hour basis. I had no idea what exact sound or vision or design I wanted for the demo, I had no idea what roles me and my friends were playing in the process, I just knew that I wanted to record my songs, NOW. I wanted it to be kick ass. I wanted help. I wanted someone else to figure it out for me. And I wanted the whole entire fucking world to love me and believe in me.
Well. As I was hyperventilating in my self-inflicted anxiety attack, my new friend Emma swooped in. I think the universe sent her. She said, "Maybe you're just not ready. Big fucking deal. Take some time to fall in love with yourself as an artist, to nurture your songs, and do the demo when you are ready and know it's going to kick ass!" RIGHT!!!?????
ok. I started to breathe again. I realized last week, that no project or job or mission is worth losing your sanity over. Our purpose here on this earth is not world domination. It's not to force the universe to bow at our feet. I'm not even sure what the purpose is, but I am sure that when I'm bending the situation and people and things around me to fit into my crafted plan, it all goes to complete shit! It's not worth it. It's like me saying to God, "Look dude. I know you're powerful and stuff. But I think you've kinda been slacking, so I'm just gonna take over from here. I got this. Go do something else for awhile." As if I can do it better! As if I know what is best for everyone around me and my career and life in general. I don't know shit! All I know is that there is no rush. There is only this moment. And being honest with yourself, your God, and the people around you in the moment makes life a hell of a lot better. I am so much happier when I accept the reality of my situation - accept my limitations, accept my fears, accept the people, places and things around me - just the way they are.
I do not need to prove myself. Ever. Most of my life has been spent on that mission. I thought I had to MAKE you love me. I thought I had to perform to receive unconditional love. I thought that if I got an A, everything would be ok. But I'm learning that the process of proving and pleasing is deadly. It's just deadly. It sucks energy and joy out of situations. And it was sucking the joy and creativity out of my fucking demo!
So no more. When I record the demo, it's going to be out of love and it's gonna be a celebration of the songs that I just can't wait to record! It's going to be organic. It's going to feel right. And you know what? It's going to be effing good!
To everyone who voted at my show for the songs that will go on the demo, THANK YOU. You helped a self-doubter have faith in her music. You gave me such wonderful feedback and a lot more clarity on where I'm heading as an artist. To the poor talented saps who gave up their time and brain power and talents to prepare for this demo project, I love you so much and I hate wasting your time. I'm so grateful that you are in my life, and I can't wait to make music again soon.
I'm not sure what the next step is. But I have a writing session with an amazing, sober, singer/songwriter in one hour. I guess the next step is to write some fucking songs!
Love to you all,
(sorry for so many F words. It's one of those days) :)